Race, Class, and Romance
A few years ago, I came to a rather startling conclusion after observing the many different romantic relationships between people. I called this idea the “Black Man’s Dilemma”, and it was simply this: In the majority of cases, when black men are paired with white women, those white women are “lower class”, or to use my exact words, “the worst offerings”. It seemed to me that these women were mostly overweight, unattractive, ignorant, unintelligent, and/or grievously lacking in scruples. On the contrary, it seemed that when white men were paired with black women, those women were the “best offerings”, i.e. intelligent, artistically inclined, well-spoken, educated, and/or strikingly good looking. “What the hell?”, I thought. Over time, however, as I considered the possible reasons for this “dilemma”, all sorts of new things came to light. I also came to realize that I unwittingly played a part in a larger problem in which the “black dilemma” was nested.
First, let me address the issue of why black men are left with those “worst offerings”, and break it down further to only the physical aspect. Recently, after talking to a friend of mine, I was made privvy to a dilemma that many white women face in our society, that being the expectation that they adhere to the commercialized American beauty standard. You know the one; she is constantly on display on your television screens, billboards, fashion magazines, in movies, and everywhere else there is something to be sold – like she is herself. She is thin, fair-skinned, just a bit shapely (because too shapely might be considered fat), usually blonde or brunette, light-eyed, and wrapped up neatly in the fashion of the day. She is yardstick by which all other women are judged, be it consciously or unconsciously, value ascribed based on how closely those women resemble her. She is also demure, unequivocally “feminine”, and if she has an occupation exclusive of her “beauty”, it is one of those “acceptable” women’s jobs of little prestige or power. White women are under a greater pressure to adhere to this standard because – and I’ll go into reasons later – black women, and to a lesser extent women of every other non-european ethnicity, are simply excluded from this standard of beauty altogether.
White women who are overweight, don’t have hair with a plastic sheen, dress alternatively, or don’t possess – insert random commercial girl trait here – are more likely to be rejected by white men, who overwhelmingly subscribe to the standard. Some of these women who do enter into relationships are verbally or physically abused, victims of infidelity, or otherwise mistreated. If a white woman, socially geared towards white men, is in turn rejected by those men, is it any surprise that she would look elsewhere? Now why is it that black men are more accepting of these “cast-offs”? Well, many black men simply have a different standard of beauty, one that is not based on that commercialized bimbo, but more on the great diversity of looks amongst black women, who as I mentioned earlier, are in fact excluded from that standard. The average black man does not come across “Ms. American Beauty” on a daily basis, and so he is less likely to think much of her at all.
Now, because of the racially fragmented state of our society, there remains a good deal of contempt for those who would “stray” outside of their race when looking for a relationship. Black men face pressure from all sides in this matter, and often as a result – be it consciously and willing, or unconsciously and unwittingly – they do not even bother to look in the direction of white women. However, those black men who find beauty in all races also tend to have a broader general standard of beauty. White women who do not fit the narrow commercialized standard may indeed find a place in the more widely accommodating black male standard.
The other exception to the rule is what is called “black fetishism”. Here women – mostly white – couple with a black man for sex, or maybe even under the pretext (and pretense) of an actual relationship, but on the basis of his “blackness”, as opposed to his individual merits. “Blackness”, especially in a social climate where hip hop music has become a huge market phenomenon, has become this exotic and forbidden fruit that many women wish to taste. There are also, of course, the long- standing rumors of larger penises which pique their interest. These women are aiming to defy social norms, their parents, families, or friends, or to sate their own curioisity. To me, being sought after on the basis of race is no better than being rejected for the same reason. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person, but a preconceived notion of who I am simply because of certain physical characteristics.
Black women, and to a lesser extent, women of other non-white ethnicities, are faced with the problem of exclusion. That commercialized beauty image I mentioned earlier is a white woman, and so simply having skin that’s “too dark” or features that are distinctively “non-white” is enough to have their own beauty disregarded. Black women who are included often lack those distinctively non-white features. I sadly acknowledge that I am part of the problem. Part of the reason I gravitate towards white women is because my standard of beauty is narrow, and more closely aligned with that same commercialized image I just finished criticizing. In my own materialistic and superficial way, I overlook women who do not conform to my beauty standard. Now, of course, everyone has their standards, and it is ridiculously idealistic to think that everyone can subscribe to the idea of “everyone is beautiful”. No, everyone is not beautiful – at least not TO everyone else. However, I acknowledge that physical beauty plays far too much of a role in where my interests fall, and that the commercial standard is the undercurrent. So, many black and other non-white women also often get a raw deal, as their selection of men is narrowed by their exclusion from the commercial standard.
There are a number of other factors at work here as well, such as class and gender roles. Many of the black men that I observed in relationships with these “less desirable” white women were by my own standards less desirable themselves. They too were less educated, superficially “unintelligent”, and although I cannot presume to know what makes a guy attractive, I’d prefer not to look at them. That’s messed up, isn’t it? I know. In my assessment of the “black man’s dilemma”, I wasn’t ever expecting the opposite, i.e. the “best offerings” amongst the white women paired up with the “worst offerings” of black men, but I did expect at least the middleground. When I first considered this issue, I felt that as a “black man” who was educated, good-looking (in my own eyes at least, and with some skepticism), well-spoken, ambitious, and at least moderately talented in several areas, I was entitled to “something better”. Damned if I was going to be paired up with a “fat girl” or an “ugly girl” or a “stupid girl”, or worse yet – any combination of the three!
After due consideration, I realize that in many cases the “black man’s dilemma” is not an issue of race, but class. People of a given socioeconomic status or level of education are likely to pair up with other people of the same “bracket”. Race cannot be discounted as a factor, however. “Upper-class” white people, many of whom simply do not engage black people on a daily basis, are more likely to harbor fundamentally racist preconceptions, or subscribe to the idea that interracial coupling is unacceptable. Therefore, even those black men who are “upper-class”, may find difficulty in pairing up with white women of that same class, thus sustaining the dilemma.
The dynamic between white men and black women is no different, that is, it is more an issue of class than race. A black woman, like any woman, is going to seek her partner in a sector where she is appreciated. Black women who are educated, intelligent, artistic, and/or closer resemble that commercialized icon, may not find they are appreciated by “lower-class” black men, and for that matter, may not want to settle for those men. The unfortunate truth is that black men are disproportionately less educated than white men, and are often victims of a subculture that celebrates ignorance and materialism. This situation leaves the “best offerings” amongst black women with very slim pickings amongst black men, and so it is not a big shocker to find them gravitating towards men with whom they share a common class, regardless of race. For those of you who have already identified it, don’t worry, I will address the inherent flaws in my whole black dilemma argument towards the end of this article.
As I mentioned earlier, gender roles also play a part in the dilemma. In our patriarchal society, women are often scorned for fully expressing their physical or emotional strength, independence, intelligence, or even their opinion. While we often turn to the past for evidence of how far our society has evolved with regards to women’s status, we ignore the fact that the archaic gender divide still exists, only now beneath the “politically correct” surface. I see it everyday – women who hold their tongues even when they feel passionate about something, or who play the fool so as not to appear too intelligent, or curb their natural ability so as not to outdo the men. It’s a shame.
Anyway, how does this play a role in the “dilemma”? It’s simple. Out of all women, black women – out of necessity – are the least likely to fall into this established role. Characteristically, black women are ostensibly strong, outspoken (even aggressive), and independent. In fact, many black men gravitate towards white women because of the expectations that they, unlike black women, will not stand up to them and put them in their place when necessary. In our society, in which a “real man” is so clearly defined, a strong woman can be intimidating, perhaps even a challenge to our manhood. Of course this is absolutely ridiculous, but true all the same. A white woman who has been historically rejected for whatever reason by white men, and therefore turns to say, a black man, is less likely to do anything which may alienate him, like “challenge his manhood”. This is another reason why these “less desirable” white women pair up with black men. It is, at least superfically, a win-win relationship.
Strong, intelligent, assertive black women often run into a problem with black men. Black men, who often due to the status to which they have been unjustly relegated, feel the need to assert themselves aggressively, to “earn respect”, as compensation for feelings of inferiority instilled in them by society. If a black woman, in asserting herself and her independence, undermines the black man’s self-image, i.e. affirms his feelings of inferiority, there is automatically going to be a conflict. In men of other ethnicities, those open to dating outside their race, black women may be more likely to find the kind of open-mindedness which sheds gender roles and allows room for them to be true to themselves.
There is one more observation that I made with regards to the role of race in this so-called dilemma. It seems to me that white men and women have a sort of “neutrality” when it comes to interracial dating. It is a given in our society that it is most acceptable to date a person of one’s own ethnicity. There is no exception to this rule. However, if one must date outside of their ethnicity, it seems more commonly acceptable amongst non-white ethnicities that the partner be white. It seems that white people have the special privilege of racial neutrality, that is, race in our society is mostly a way of distinguishing white people from “everyone else”. This applies directly to relationships. Interracial relationships most commonly consist of one white partner and one non- white partner. Just think about it. What image comes to your own mind when you think of an “interracial relationship”?
With regards to this situation, black men do face a unique dilemma. They are in effect cut off from exploring relationships outside of their race, with the relatively rare exception of white women. This too is a case of race being wrongfully interchanged with class. In our society, black people have been relegated to the bottom rung. Class exists everywhere, and so regardless of one’s ethnicity, people are going to look down on those a society deems “lower”. Just as an example, take a woman who grew up under the caste system in India. If she moves to the United States, she is likely to superimpose those same values upon the social structure of this country.
Black men for her may correspond to India’s “Dalit”, known perjoratively as the “untouchables”. Therefore if she is of any higher class, she may reject the idea of entering a relationship with a black man. This example also lends some weight to the race neutrality factor I mentioned earlier, as in some cases it may be more acceptable for this Indian woman to marry an upper class white man than it would be for her to marry a Dalit. Unfortunately for the hypothetical black man who takes an interest in this Indian woman, he doesn’t have the Dalit man’s advantage of common ethnicity, or the white man’s class status, and therefore may be regarded as the least acceptable.
Finally, I must explain how the so-called “Black Man’s Dilemma” and the very reason this idea appeared in my mind in the first place are both part of a larger problem, and this is the inherent flaw in my argument that I mentioned earlier. Half of the problem is the very concept of race, and half is the overwhelming disparity between rich and poor that sustains the class divides present throughout the world. If race simply did not exist, or if I did not subscribe to it, I would not even have noticed that “black men” seemed to be getting the shaft in who they could choose as partners. Although I have asserted my renunciation of my race, I (along with probably everyone else in this world) have been thoroughly indoctrinated with the concept. Even where we consciously wish to separate ourselves from its evil devices, its effects continue to linger. If race didn’t exist, there would be one less obstacle between people and those who may just be perfect for them. Also, if I didn’t subscribe to a classist mindset, placing such value judgments on people, I would have been less likely to identify certain women as “lesser offerings”. Because of these things, the whole concept of the “Black Man’s Dilemma” itself is ridiculous. Or at least it would be, in an ideal world, where class and race didn’t exist. In our divided society, however, the Black Man’s Dilemma is a reality. Just look around.
The problem that I originally perceived is actually only a part of the Human Dilemma. The solutions to the problem are massive in scope. They are the complete deconstruction and abolition of our racial paradigm, followed by the conceivably more difficult bridging of the class divide. If people are represented more equally in society, I think that it will follow that the standard of beauty will change as well to become more widely inclusive. As an idealist I wish for these things to be realized, but as a pragmatist I have to accept that I will probably never see it in my lifetime. Still, against this grim backdrop, there are glimmers of hope to be found in every couple who defies the “traditional” scenarios and finds love in spite of social barriers. Afterall, love should have nothing to do with race or class; it should be visceral, emotional, even metaphysical – something that transcends those distinctions.