The Hierarchy of Relationships
To the uninitiated, the hierarchy of needs is a way of understanding the workings of the mind, as determined by a series of abstract needs that once fulfilled yield newer and greater needs. It was founded by a brilliant humanistic psychologist by the name of Abraham Maslow (1908 – 1970). The hierarchy begins when a person is an infant, with the physiological needs, things like food, water, and sleep. Later these needs come to include sexual gratification. The second level is the safety needs, a feeling of security in the world, of knowing that you are not in any immediate danger, physically and emotionally. The third level is belonging needs, which demands a sense of kinship or family or other intimate association with other people. The fourth and fifth levels are esteem needs, which refer to respect and/or admiration from others, and then self-respect and confidence. The highest level of the hierarchy is the stage of self-actualization, which refers to a period of continuous growth as an individual.
The bottom levels of the hierarchy differ from those at the top in that they are deficit based, i.e. something is missing and it needs to be fulfilled or restored in order to achieve a sense of equilibrium. Self-actualization on the other hand, is insatiable, for it continues to promote a drive towards personal growth in some area. For example, a person may study in college for the purpose of qualifying for a career, which in turn may fulfill the lower needs in the hierarchy. Someone like a professor, however, who studies a discipline to learn more about it for its own sake is self-actualized. There is no limit to the amount of knowledge that can be acquired on a given subject, and so the need will never be satisfied, but it will continue to grow as it is stimulated.
The following is an explanation of the hierarchy of needs as it applies to relationships, at least by the interpretation of the author.
The most primal and basic need in a relationship is sexual gratification; this represents the physiological need in the hierarchy. Few people would argue that while it is often an impetus for the establishment of a relationship, using physical attraction as its vessel, it cannot serve as an exclusive foundation. At the same time, just as a person is hard-pressed to pursue self- actualization if they’re starving to death, the importance of physical attraction and sexual gratification in relationships should not be dismissed.
The safety or security need of Maslow’s hierarchy could be represented by the staying power of a relationship, the knowledge and comfort that one’s partner will stay around and be faithful. Reaching this stage removes the complications of jealousy and paranoia, where if unjustified are reciprocated by resentment and inhibit the growth of the relationship.
The belonging need is obvious. In sex-driven relationships, there is no sense of belonging, no intimacy, and nor is it required. Only in more sophisticated relationships is this need met; there is a sense that the person’s existence is needed by their partner.
Two people can exist in a relationship for the mutual fulfillment of the first three needs in the hierarchy. Just as there are sex-driven relationships, there are relationships established to fulfill the status quo, i.e. society’s insistence on people finding love or getting married or creating a family. A person may have their sexual needs met, and feel a sense of belonging, all the while lacking a sense of respect for their partner. These are the kinds of relationships that prevail on the basis of complacency. To have a partner you respect only heightens the value of the other need-fulfillments. Having sex with a person you hold in high esteem has to be more enjoyable than someone you regard as a castaway; being secure in a committed relationship with a person of that caliber is also better; feeling that you belong with someone who you respect also adds to the fulfillment.
Self-respect seems a natural consequence of the fulfillment of the first four needs in a relationship. If your sexual, security, and belonging needs have all been met by a person held in high esteem then how much better will you feel about yourself, now having been established as worthy of such a relationship?
It is probably fair to say that initially, and in many cases permanently, a person’s motivations for establishing and maintaining a relationship are self-centered. Their aim is the fulfillment of their needs. However, once those needs have been met, a person is given the freedom to pursue the well- being of their partner, and probably feels a strong inclination to do so, since it is because of their partner that they have gained such satisfaction. This would be the self-actualizing stage of a relationship, where the two individuals grow together, explore new possibilities, and continuously renew that sense of novelty which was present at the beginning.
There is one point of contention to be recognized. The hierarchy of needs, as it applies to relationships, is not simply a linear progression of fulfillment. At some point early on, and continuing through the climbing of the hierarchy, the people in a relationship must have sight of self-actualizing motivation. It must remain as an undercurrent to the fulfillment of all the other needs.
For example, sexual gratification is heightened by success in satisfying a partner. There is a level of comfort to be achieved such that a person wants to stay in a relationship and keep their partner secure. Just as a person wants their own need for belonging fulfilled, they want to feel needed; therefore, fulfilling a partner’s need for belonging adds to your own. Respect and self -respect are reciprocating principles, so the presence of the self-actualization motivation is obvious. Once a relationship has reached the point where both people are in it as much for the fulfillment of their partner as for themselves, they have established a connection which most people probably never know or can even imagine.